When You Passed Away, Mama

If I never hear your voice again, will the words you left me stay?

Will I wonder what you're saying when I find I've lost my way...

Will I always long for you to smile and tell me it's alright?

When I find myself in darkness... and I'm searching for your light...

1st Year Death Anniversary of Zeny Cenzon

It's our Mother's first death anniversary tonight and I'm creating a collage for her.. just like I do on the 3rd of every month... This is my time to think of her and go back to our memories.

Looking back.. and even after a year has passed, the memories still hurt like hell. I wonder if there will come a time when  I will look at our pictures and I don't die from regret and loneliness all over again. But in a way, even though it hurts, I feel closest to her in these moments. There's all these sad feelings but there's also love and gratitude.

I guess... it will always be like this. We only get over a pain if something else heals it. But what can replace what she was to me? Nothing. So the pain remains and I welcome it as it brings her closer to me.

It never fails to amaze me, how we cope. We are so resilient. Our brain obviously knows how to protect itself before the emotions overcome us.  It keep us moving on even when we don't have the strength.

We will celebrate mass with her ashes and have dinner together with family... her absence is all the more noticeable when we are together. We're like planets that lost our sun... circling something that's no longer there... But at least, we're still together. That's important to her.

I wish I knew what she's going through now. Yes it can make you philosophical, losses such as this. I'm just thankful that I still have my wonderful husband to lean on and my brothers and sisters who are my Mom's legacy. She lives through them, my nephews and nieces... and through me.. We are her immortality.

We miss you Mama.... Rest in Peace.