I Don't Want To Be Sad... Happy 67th Birthday, Mommy Zeny! If you were here, I'd be asking you, what do you want for your birthday Ma? But you're not here... and I know that if you could tell me what you're wishing for today, you'd want to be with us. You never asked for more than that even when you were alive...
I don't want to be sad. I want to remember and celebrate your life with your progenies. Most of them were here and Jecko blew your birthday candle for you. Emman cooked our favorite Sweet and Sour Meatballs and Kendz cooked delicious Afritada and your favorite poison, Minatamis na Saging. Anna bought
If I never hear your voice again, will the words you left me stay?
Will I wonder what you're saying when I find I've lost my way...
Will I always long for you to smile and tell me it's alright?
When I find myself in darkness... and I'm searching for your light...
1st Year Death Anniversary of Zeny Cenzon
It's our Mother's first death anniversary tonight and I'm creating a collage for her.. just like I do on the 3rd of every month... This is my time to think of her and go back to our memories.
The evening before the day she passed away, I got to spend a night with her at the hospital. I'd feel guiltier than I am now, if I hadn't taken that time to watch over her. It was a beautiful night, and we spent it talking about the future. Where she will go for dialysis... the renovation going on in her room at home.. She was in a hopeful mood, and weirdly calm and peaceful. She was happy that her legs were no longer swollen, and she said they looked like they did when she was younger. Our conversation was light and positive. She was raring to go home... That was a very rare moment for me... I can't remember the last time I laid in bed with her, feeling safe in her embrace.. just talking. I was always busy doing other things, you know. That night with her was precious and I want to give it it's place in the ether. I deeply regret that nights like that were far and few.
Ever since I opened my eyes to this life, Ma was there. She's always supposed to be there to listen to my problems, wipe away my tears, give me strength, help me with anything I need, scold me when I'm being bad... I took it for granted that she will do this for me forever. Isn't that a really selfish thought which you can only expect from your children?!
Sure, I knew that wasn't true. But nevertheless, I wanted to believe it. I won't accept any other truth. We can fool ourselves that way. We do it all the time. Hurtful truths are left at the back of our minds... we can examine them in the deepest darkest hours of our solitude, but in the light of day, we shove it at the back of our consciousness. Ma dying? Nah! Are you crazy!!! Don't speak of such things! - Total denial.
Ma was born in Baguio in 1947 and grew up there. You'd think she'd be Ilocano, but she's actually Kapampangan.
Zeny in Aurora Hill
Born to Illuminado Cenzon and Barbara Joaquin on August 2, 1947, she was the 8th child and the youngest daughter in a brood of 10! Her siblings were Nads (RIP), Leony (RIP), Nining, Perla, Bishop Carlito Cenzon, Roger (RIP), Ed, Larry & Raffy.
She studied at St. Louis University, Baguio but she never finished college cause my very handsome Dad swept her off her feet, they got married, she went to Manila to start her married life and had me.
Last July of 2013, before her 66th birthday, my Mother died. After a week in the hospital, her heart just gave up and she slept forever. She has been struggling with her Diabetes for a long time and was injecting insulin daily... there were a lot of complications and her heart problem was one of them. On her last hospitalization before she died, she had End Stage Renal Disease. Her kidneys have failed and she will be requiring Dialysis 3x a week - if she lived, that is. But i guess, it was too much for her, the Dialysis. How i hate that word. When she found out that the D word was in her life, i know she got sad at that, but she was a fighter til the end and never showed me her fear nor her sadness. But i know they were there.
What a Peaceful Smile, Ma.
My Mother died. These 3 words have the power to shake the ground you walk on.. to shatter the very fabric of your life. You see it happen to other people, you see people die - but when the tragedy happens to you, you're still not prepared for it. Who can prepare for something so painful? Our minds have a way of protecting itself, that even when you foresee the possibility, you refuse to accept it. You will fight it so it doesn't happen.. so it doesn't become real.
.jpg)
.JPG)
