She was happy that her legs were no longer swollen, and she said they looked like they did when she was younger. Our conversation was light and positive. She was raring to go home...
That was a very rare moment for me... I can't remember the last time I laid in bed with her, feeling safe in her embrace.. just talking. I was always busy doing other things, you know. That night with her was precious and I want to give it it's place in the ether. I deeply regret that nights like that were far and few.
That evening, as I was combing her hair, I told her that I liked her hair long. She commented that if ever she died, she wants it to be coiffed just like her hairstyle when she was crowned Ms. Benguet. I shooshooed that comment of course. "Don't talk like that," I said, "we're going home soon."
I was showing her some clinics through my phone, where she can get her dialysis, but her hands were shaking so much. She said, "Just print it Anak, i'll read it when I'm home." "Does it hurt when your hands are shaking like that, Ma?" I asked her. She said no.
I went home and my brother Yahyie watched over her next. It was the wee hours of July 3. Before I slept we were texting... she told me that she will consent to the doctor putting in her fistula to prepare her for her dialysis. She was scheduled for another dialysis that afternoon.
We were giving each other pep talks. Her hands were still shaking, I could tell from her garbled messages... but she was still Mama and was consoling me instead, assuring me that we will make it...We got to say I Love You, and I slept...
Here's the weird part.... I was already awake when my husband came in my room with THE CALL. I remember being jolted awake and I was filled with sadness and dread even before he went into the room and handed me the phone. My brother Emman couldn't reach me, even though my phone was on, so he called my husband instead. Of all calls, why didn't my phone receive that one? Maybe my phone didn't want to hear the news too...
At that moment, my Ma was being resuscitated after a nurse found her without a heartbeat in her sleep. I bet Ma was already gone by then and she visited me and woke me up, asking me why the hell I was sleeping when something so important was happening... or maybe telling me to make the nurse stop jumping up and down her body pumping her heart...
She passed away that night... and this was her last message to me. I only received it the day after she died, on 7/4/2013. My brother was looking at her phone and he saw an unsent message. She ran out of load. So my brother sent this to me when we were at the funeral.
She was telling me to sleep and rest cause I need strength.
Why did you say I need strength, Ma? Did you know that you were leaving me that day? Cause If you stayed then I wouldn't need strength... You've always been my strength...
I'm sharing this because I'm grateful for these conversations and I play them in my head over and over... I'm ever so grateful.... I'd be crazier with grief and regret right now, were it not for these simple, meaningful exchange of words.
Rest in Peace, Mama. We did not make it and the fight was rigged against us, but I'm trying to be strong, because I know that's what you'd want me to do.
Iloveyou Ma. Life hasn't been the same without you.
