Last Conversation with Mama

The evening before the day she passed away, I got to spend a night with her at the hospital. I'd feel guiltier than I am now, if I hadn't taken that time to watch over her. It was a beautiful night, and we spent it talking about the future. Where she will go for dialysis... the renovation going on in her room at home.. She was in a hopeful mood, and weirdly calm and peaceful.

She was happy that her legs were no longer swollen, and she said they looked like they did when she was younger. Our conversation was light and positive. She was raring to go home...

That was a very rare moment for me... I can't remember the last time I laid in bed with her, feeling safe in her embrace.. just talking. I was always busy doing other things, you know. That night with her was precious and I want to give it it's place in the ether. I deeply regret that nights like that were far and few.

Mommy-Missing Feelings

Ever since I opened my eyes to this life, Ma was there. She's always supposed to be there to listen to my problems, wipe away my tears, give me strength, help me with anything I need, scold me when I'm being bad... I took it for granted that she will do this for me forever. Isn't that a really selfish thought which you can only expect from your children?!

Sure, I knew that wasn't true. But nevertheless, I wanted to believe it. I won't accept any other truth. We can fool ourselves that way. We do it all the time. Hurtful truths are left at the back of our minds... we can examine them in the deepest darkest hours of our solitude, but in the light of day, we shove it at the back of our consciousness. Ma dying? Nah! Are you crazy!!! Don't speak of such things! - Total denial.