My Last Night With You

Our last night together keep playing on my mind.

For the hundredth time, I feel grateful that I spent that moment with you. At least now, when I miss you, when I feel troubled, I go back to that night and I could be with you again. Though it makes me so sad when I think about it....

I was showing you pictures of your room, and telling you about the improvements we made while you recuperated. You were looking forward to going home. Your mood was light and calm that night. Calmer than I was, though I tried my best to push my fears away. We talked about the fistula for your dialysis and I told you the good news that we could get the treatment for free. I knew you were worried about that.

I laid down beside you on the hospital bed as we talked, and you put your arms around me. It has been so long since I laid in your embrace. I shared with you my plans for the future. How we're going to make you better. I tried to assure you that everything would be alright.... Or maybe it was you who tried to comfort me that night. To this day, I can't say for sure.... You knew me well. You knew I was just acting brave....

I combed your hair, cleaned your face... Anything I could do to make you alright. Inside I was panicking... I couldn't bear the thought of losing you..

Your hair looked nice when you wore it long and I told you so... And you said, "If I die, I want you to style my hair the same way as when I won Miss Benguet." As always, I brushed your comment off and told you not to speak of such things...

While I massaged your legs with lotion, you said, "They're not as swollen now. They almost look like my legs when I was younger." Yes, they were. You've lost a lot of liquids. But I didn't think of that. I saw them as you saw them, and I teased you about it. How you were so vain in your old age. 

I have never felt so afraid in my whole life

An end was near, but that time was still ours. It's been too long since we held each other that close.

When Yahyie arrived we said goodbye and I went home...

If I knew we had no more time, I would have stayed by your side.

If I had known that was the last time I'd be speaking to you, I would have said a lot more, Mama. I would have said everything I never said. I would have begged you not to leave me....

The next morning, we texted for a while before I slept. And in the evening when I woke, you were gone... Just like that, you were gone, and my world exploded and left a void that could never be filled.

If I had known that would be our last night together, I would have made it more special. I would have done something more.

You left me Ma. I wasn't ready. I would never be ready.

Here I am, almost 3 years after you passed away, still playing that last night in my head... still crying for the sadness of it all. Wondering what I would have done if I had known that I'd be losing you.... Wondering if you knew that you were leaving me...

I miss you so much. Time has not healed any of the wounds of your passing... my need for you remains. When I feel alone and troubled, when I have a lot of problems, when I did something great - I look for you.

I'll be thinking of the would haves and could haves until we meet again. And I'm writing this down so I'll never forget the last memory that we shared, until my last days.

Good night Ma. I love you...