The Worst Day...

Last July of 2013, before her 66th birthday, my Mother died. After a week in the hospital, her heart just gave up and she slept forever. She has been struggling with her Diabetes for a long time and was injecting insulin daily... there were a lot of complications and her heart problem was one of them. On her last hospitalization before she died, she had End Stage Renal Disease. Her kidneys have failed and she will be requiring Dialysis 3x a week - if she lived, that is. But i guess, it was too much for her, the Dialysis. How i hate that word. When she found out that the D word was in her life, i know she got sad at that, but she was a fighter til the end and never showed me her fear nor her sadness. But i know they were there.

What a Peaceful Smile, Ma.

My Mother died. These 3 words have the power to shake the ground you walk on.. to shatter the very fabric of your life. You see it happen to other people, you see people die - but when the tragedy happens to you, you're still not prepared for it. Who can prepare for something so painful? Our minds have a way of protecting itself, that even when you foresee the possibility, you refuse to accept it. You will fight it so it doesn't happen.. so it doesn't become real.


I was very close to my mother. When i was younger, i was off rebelling and doing my own thing and it was only in the last decade that i was able to make it up to her somehow... but even when i was a child, she was the center of everything. I hated being away from her. I cannot begin to tell you how i felt when she died, but i want to try. Because somewhere out there, there's a daughter whose mother died, and maybe she doesn't know what she's feeling too... and i want to share mine with her.

They were resuscitating her when my husband and I arrived at the hospital after a call from my brother. In the hallway to her room, i walked so slowly, as if in a dream... i didn't want to get to her room, cause there, everything will become real. I will see her struggling and i know there's no hope. 30 minutes have passed since they started resuscitating her. She flatlined, and they couldn't get a heartbeat. On the last few steps i ran to her room and i saw my mother finally... and i felt really cold and numb. The doctor asked me the most difficult question that was ever asked of me.. She asked me how long i wanted them to continue... Who could ask a daughter such an unfair question?! I asked if there was a chance... and she said it's been 30 minutes and they can't get a heartbeat. What were my choices... a heart and lung machine even if she could be brain damaged? Have you ever seen someone being resuscitated? It's not like in the movies. The man resuscitating her was practically jumping up and down, pumping her heart, probably breaking her ribs.... so i said Stop It. That's Enough.

Who was i to make such a decision? I felt like I gave up and didn't give her a chance! Never mind the logic, never mind that it was what she would've preferred. I felt guilt. I questioned my decision and until now i ask my mother to tell me if i made the right decision. Isn't that what we do... ask our mothers if we made the right decision in our lives? No matter what age, we need to hear it from her, that what we are doing is the right thing. But she cannot answer me, and i'm still waiting... When they stopped pumping her heart... she was gone. I ran to her and embraced her already cold body and i just couldn't believe that she's gone. I felt so sorry for her. I couldn't understand how she died when we did everything we could. She said we were going home. She told me we will make it. Even as I held her there, as I closed her eyes, i didn't want to believe it! But there it is.... My Mother Died. 

It was over.

There were lots of things to do even when i just wanted to lie beside her and cry forever, i had to do them for her. The funeral. The people i had to face. I don't know how i went through it all. But i did it. Everything that i believed she wanted, i tried to do.. and then it was over. We brought her ashes home.

I'm a woman who's very in touch with her emotions. I always analyzed what i felt and worked through them. Even just to myself, I admit the reasons why i do things in all honesty. But this time, i didn't know what i was feeling. Of course i was sad. I know i am grieving. But there's something else happening and i can't put my finger to it.

I've never felt so old and alone until she was gone. Now, i have no one to ask if I'm doing the right thing or not. All my decisions are my responsibility. And there are many things that an adult daughter can only speak to her mother about. The loss of my Mother hurt me deeply. I feel guilt, regret for lost time, i feel so lost and always there is this lingering sadness. Knowing that I will never see her or hear her or feel her in this life. It's not true that the grieving will end after some time. Maybe I don't cry continuously anymore, but every time i think of her, i just relive everything that happened and I grieve deeply. I can physically feel a dark hole where she used to be.

I think of her whenever something good happens in my life, whenever i have a problem, when i see or hear something that reminds me of her. I feel the difference of not having her around. Last Christmas was the first without her and you can cry just seeing how my brothers and sisters didn't know what to do. It was always my Mother who pulled us together. Now it's up to me to keep us from drifting apart. But I am not her. I do not know how. I can only try.

I feel my mortality. I somehow lost my purpose. One of the reasons why I worked so hard was because she needed me. Even when i hated my work, i pushed on and found happiness knowing that I was able to help her, even though i know it wasn't enough. But now i don't need to do that anymore. I can do whatever I want without thinking of her. But do what? That was my purpose before and it defined me. I liked being the good daughter. It gave me something to think about that was bigger than myself. Now that she's gone, I need to redefine my purpose in life, and its not that easy. But maybe time will take care of that. You see, one of the things I discovered is that Life Goes On, even when I'm grieving... although I honestly wanted the whole world to kindly stop for my grief, but it just goes on. It's up to me to join it and live again, even without her.

For every daughter out there who lost a Mother, I feel your pain... and i'm sorry to say that the pain will probably never end. The pain sleeps only waiting to be awakened by a memory, a need, a longing, a song on the radio... and you just need to live with it and continue living. There will always be questions and regret. If only it were possible to have one final word with her, for closure. That little girl inside you will always want to feel her embrace and just see her face... That smile that can reassure you that everything's gonna be alright. One day maybe, I can feel happy thinking about her, but now there's only sadness and longing.

We're not a child anymore... because our Mother died... and all our life we'll miss being her little girl.. so very very much...

Rest in Peace, Mama.
No Goodbyes... There's Only Love..

Thank you for Everything.

-Cherry